


Erika's Third Law

by lemoninagin



Category: Durarara!!
Genre: Crack, F/M, Friends With Benefits, M/M, Roleplay, fujoshi rambling, im so sorry this exists, implied moe, outright moe, sort of shizaya, tsundere references, whole lotta moe
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-17
Updated: 2015-09-17
Packaged: 2018-04-21 04:36:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,972
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4815305
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lemoninagin/pseuds/lemoninagin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>For every moe-action, there is an equal and opposite moe-reaction.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Erika's Third Law

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Mekeweissame](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=Mekeweissame).



> To Mekeweissame~
> 
> May all your moe dreams come true with this fic.

“So? What do you think?! You _love it_ , right? I knew you would! I'm so glad because I spent a lot of time working on it! It's really accurate, isn't it?”

“Ah...I should have known this would happen when you said you wanted to role play. How disgusting! Erika, you really have poor taste. This isn't sexy at all, I'm afraid.”

Izaya let out a heavy sigh and leaned back on the bed to give Erika the most exasperated look he could muster, although he considered the fact that this was probably only encouraging her further.

“Now, now, Iza-Iza, no need to be shy about it! My body might belong to you – sort of like your own personal 2-d love slave turned 3-d - except _without_ the actual lovey-dovey part because ultimately your body and heart belongs only to Shizu-Shizu! And as you know, I'm alright with that, so long as you let me play with you two together sometime, okay? Or at least just let me watch!”

Izaya never understood how Erika always managed to come to this conclusion almost every time she asked him if he wanted to 'spice things up a little' in their weirdly formed friends with benefits relationship, but admittedly he was starting to grow tired of it - and fast. At first it had been amusing, but this...wasn't this taking things just a little _too_ far? 

Erika stood before him, hand on her hip and head held proudly in her newly donned attire – consisting of a full bartender getup, sunglasses, a horrible (although very accurately styled) blonde wig, and even a real pack of cigarettes clutched in her grasp. He had to hand it to her, at least, at the amount of detail and effort she put into it – her cosplay was down to a T as the cigarettes were even specifically American Spirits – which Izaya knew (simply from observation, of course) were Shizuo's favorite brand.

“Erika, I told you a thousand times before that nothing of that sort has _ever_ happened, nor _will_ ever happen, between me and that _monster_ , Shizu- ”

“Shhhhh,” Erika closed the gap between them with a finger pointedly placed on Izaya's lips to shut him up. “I know you're still in denial about it, but a fujoshi's senses are _never_ wrong! Hopefully one day you will find it in your heart to trust me enough to come clean about it, and let me tell you that the sooner you do, the better you'll feel in the long run! And I will be 1000% there for you during that ultimate moe-moe kyun time when it comes, to encourage you to let it all out and go get fucked like you've never been fucked before!”

During her little speech, Erika's eyes had grown significantly wider and were even sparkling with tears of joy as her cheeks flushed happily, and Izaya swore that somehow he even saw little hearts laced within her irises. To make the image all the more disturbing, Erika basically looked like just a shorter, and slightly more feminine version of Shizuo. Izaya could have gone the rest of his whole life without having to see a kawaii-blushing-schoolgirl-Shizuo, but unfortunately for him Erika seemed to be set on traumatizing him with her boy love nonsense at every chance she could get – even when they were in the middle of having what was undeniably very hetero sexy times.

“I believe I am going to vomit before we even get started today, Erika-chan. Perhaps we should reschedule for another time.”

Shizu-Erika frowned at him, her starstruck look instantly dropping at his blunt words, and Izaya braced himself for another dramatic display.

“...Flea, that's not nice to say to people you love. You should really apologize and stop being such an asshole.”

Izaya had been prepared for waterworks, had been prepared for indignation, but he had never, ever, in a million years been able to prepare for the way those words flowed solemnly with a hint of irritation from out of Shizu-Erika's mouth – and if it hadn't been for the higher-pitched tone, it would have been a deceivingly perfect imitation of Shizuo himself. His mouth gaped open as Erika scowled down at him, pulling out a cigarette and revealing a lighter from her trouser pocket for added effect. She brought the cancer stick to her lips with an extremely confident air, even though Izaya knew she had never smoked a day in her life.

If he had been drinking something at that moment, it would have instantly soaked Erika's awful cosplay as Izaya promptly would have done a spit take, and then he would have spluttered and choked like a dying fish for at least several minutes afterwards.

Too bad there was no easy way to erase this new Shizuo come to life before him, and knowing Erika, Izaya figured that the further she went with this, the less likely it was she was going to be deterred anytime soon. He gave another drawn out resigned sigh.

“Alright, _Shizu-chan_ , I'm _so_ sorry, please forgive me for I cannot help but be a douche bag every chance that I get.”

Despite Izaya's earlier prediction, Erika dropped her act, furiously broke and threw aside the unlit cigarette, and gripped Izaya by the shoulders so she could shake him (which was probably something Shizuo would have done anyway, so Izaya guessed he couldn't say she was _completely_ forgoing her charade).

“Whaaaaaat!! That wasn't in character _at all_! You would _never_ admit outright defeat around Shizu-Shizu like that, let alone beg him for forgiveness! Don't _you_ even know _you_?! Ugh! And here I was, thinking you'd be good at this sort of thing since you're always lying and putting on airs...”

_Ah, there's that pout now...although it's not nearly as cute with that repugnant imitation of Shizu-chan's ugly face._

Izaya reached his hands up to gently grab Erika's arms to break her from her reverie and get her to still in her movements, as being shaken like a rag doll was starting to greatly annoy him. Her lip jutted out further as she murmured to herself unhappily about possibly reading Izaya's character wrong (“Maybe Iza-Iza really isn't the tsun-tsun-tsun-dere-tsun-tsun-tsun type that I always thought, but just the boring old regular tsun-dere-dere type who isn't fully tsundere but silently wishes they were...what a shame”).

Izaya rolled his eyes. He couldn't believe he was giving into such an obvious manipulation tactic, but Erika knew he had a soft spot for her when she pouted like this and was using that to her full advantage.

That particular revelation only made his heart pang more in admiration for this odd human that he so loved (although not any more or any less than his other humans, because he still found Erika to be just as irritatingly endearing as all the rest of humanity, and perhaps even more so what with her relentless obsession with imagining all the ways Shizuo would pound his ass if just given the chance).

“Alright, alright, I'll play along if it makes you happy. Just quit pouting. You look gross already, no reason to make this any more distasteful than it needs to be.”

Kawaii-blushing-schoolgirl-Shizuo reappeared, and Izaya felt somewhat relieved, although simultaneously the act also made his stomach lurch unpleasantly.

“Kyaaah, thank you, thank you!!! What a relief - I _knew_ you were really the tsun-tsun-tsun-dere-tsun-tsun-tsun type after all!!” Erika all but shrieked out as she wrapped her arms around him in a brutally tight hug, provoking a strangled _oomph_ from Izaya as he struggled to breath. 

_Really, this girl is just too good at mimicking monsters. The things I put up with for great sex..._

“I promise you won't regret this, Izayan!”

Contrary to her statement, Izaya was pretty sure that that's what Erika's real end-game actually was. Erika finally released her death grip so she could skip back towards a mysterious looking chest that sat in the corner of her room. After rummaging in it for a bit, she pulled out an object that made Izaya's face pale considerably.

_She can't be serious..! She's going to use something like that while dressed like him?! I think I really am going to be sick now..._

“Also, my terms for tonight include being on top as you can see, but I know you won't mind since you enjoyed it _so_ much last time!”

Erika giggled as she fondly recalled the extremely pleasant memory that had been the creative inspiration behind at least 20 Shizaya doujinshis over the course of only two days time afterwards. Izaya glared at her, but judging by the disconcerting prideful glint in Erika's eye, he guessed his cheeks must have been flushing bright red because there was no way he could hide the heat of rage and embarrassment practically radiating off his skin. 

“ _Fine_ , do as you wish...but do you _really_ have to insinuate to this level that I would be so low as to _submit_ to a brute like Shizu-chan? And here I was, thinking that I had finally made some leeway during that last conversation we had about the potentials of me being seme. You are too mundanely predictable, Erika.”

Izaya shifted on the bed uncomfortably and averted his gaze, puffing his cheeks out in a huff as he tried to ignore Shizu-Erika slinking towards him in what could accurately be called a predatory and lewd manner. Her hips swayed tantalizingly as she leered at him from beneath the blue tint of familiar sunglasses, and the image was made all the more ridiculous with the fact that she was swinging a large-sized strap-on around by its harness like some fucked-up baton.

“Huh, what's that, _I-za-ya-kun_? What, are you not up for a _challenge_? Figures you'd be too scared!”

The high-pitched tone had managed to drop into an exceptionally accurate low growl that had seemed far away, but suddenly Shizu-Erika was straddling him, and she grabbed Izaya's chin so he would have to make eye contact. It took every ounce of self-control Izaya had to continue to keep his calm as he was being forced to associate his sexual excitement with this insane clone of his arch-nemesis. Erika pointed the strap-on at Izaya so close to his face that it nearly poked his eye out, and bent in low to whisper seductively in his ear.

“I'm going to _wreck you_ , pretty little Flea, and I'd like to see you even try and stop me!”

Izaya plastered on his best smirk, noting the careful way Shizu-Erika was watching his every move with calculated fujoshi awareness, and gave a haughty laugh while he narrowed his eyes challengingly.

“As always, your words are lame and simple-minded, just like the beast you so are. I'll rise to the occasion alright, Shizu-chan, and in return you can do whatever you want and take me _hard_ – but never forget the bottom line here – I will _always_ metaphorically be above you no matter how many times you needlessly destroy my ass, _monster_!”

Erika screamed shrilly at the unbelievable amount of BL moe-ness she had just encountered – unable to keep in character as her very OTP dreams were becoming a reality right before her eyes - and she was _so_ overcome by all that moe-moe-kyun goodness in fact, that she promptly keeled over in a dead faint of satisfaction. Izaya breathed out a huge sigh of relief, although his heart was still racing erratically from the close encounter.

“Better luck next time, Shizu-Erika-chan,” he spat out as he quickly gathered his jacket from off the floor and bolted out of the apartment before the crazed fujoshi could revive herself.

Unfortunately for Izaya, his small victory was short-lived as it was only moments later that he ended up running into Shizuo, but that is a moe story for another time.

**Author's Note:**

> I saw [someone who was in need](http://mekeweissame.tumblr.com/post/129225969642/halfcodebyrn-i-basically-ship-izaya-with) of Izaya/Erika crack pairing, and I couldn't help myself from providing. I have come to the conclusion that god will never forgive me for all my sins for they are numerous anyway, so I might as well cram in as much hellfire and brimstone worthy action as I can while I still have the time.
> 
>  
> 
> Also it is my plan to have every character in Durarara cosplay Shizuo in some manner for Izaya in many various situations over time bc it is too, too moe of an idea to just abandon. Consider yourself forewarned ~~poor Namie's probs gonna be next~~


End file.
